The Kindest Thing You’re Not Saying
Why “meets expectations” reviews might be quietly damaging your team — and what to do about it.
The Scenario
A leader recently described a familiar problem: a difficult employee generating repeated complaints, affecting the whole team, “a problem forever.” Someone was in their office every other day complaining about this person. What should they do?
So I asked a few questions. How long has this person been there? What’s their role? What conversations have already happened about the behavior? Have they had a performance evaluation — and what do those evaluations say about these complaints?
The answer I hear more often than you’d think:
“Well, they’ve received meets or exceeds expectations on every evaluation they’ve gotten for the last 10 years.”
Here’s my soapbox moment: it is not kind to tell someone they’re doing a good job at something when they aren’t. Let me say it louder for those in the back — you are not being kind when you deprive someone of input that could make them better at their job.
When a conversation gets to this point, I immediately know whose fault this is. It’s not the person exhibiting the unwanted behavior — it’s their leader. Why would this employee think they had anything to change? Nobody told them there was a problem.
Why This Happens
In my experience, there are really two reasons.
- Discomfort. Peopledon’twant to tell someone something they might not want to hear. They don’t know how to have the conversation, or they don’t like how it feels, so they avoid it. There’s often some mental gymnastics involved — the manager telling themselves, “well, this person isn’t actually that bad. They do this and this and this well, soooo…”
- Nothing is written down.There’sno job description, team norms document, or other organizational record stating the behaviors someone is expected to exhibit. So even if a manager works up the courage to have the conversation, they realize there’s nothing to point to — nothing to hold this person accountable against.
Both reasons are understandable. At the same time, neither one is helping the team member in question or the organization.
What to Do Instead
Reframe the conversation. Stop thinking of it as “telling someone they’re bad at their job.” Instead: you’re closing a gap between what you expect and what you’re seeing. That’s the whole conversation.
Write the standard down. You cannot hold someone accountable to a standard that only lives in your head. If “collaborates well with the team” isn’t written anywhere, then as far as your organization’s expectations go, it doesn’t exist.
This doesn’t require a massive HR overhaul. Start by picking three or four behaviors you think matter, and introduce the concept of Team Norms to your team. Ask them: do you agree these are important? Have the conversation. Once those expectations are written down and collectively agreed to, you’re not the bad guy for bringing up a violation — you’re reinforcing a standard the team set together.
The Real Cost
Ten years of “meets expectations” isn’t kindness. It’s a leader avoiding discomfort at the expense of someone’s growth — and at the expense of everyone else on the team who’s been absorbing the fallout.
Think about someone on your team right now who’s never heard a hard truth from you. Real kindness is on the other side of that conversation — what’s stopping you from having it?
