The Skill Nobody Actually Taught You
Nobody taught you this. You just learned it the hard way, one raised eyebrow at a time.
There’s something critical we all have to learn to be successful humans, and nobody I’ve talked to has actually been taught it. We’ve all learned it the same way: by doing the wrong thing enough times that we eventually figure it out on our own.
This thing is the reason some people never get promoted. It’s the reason some people would rather hide in a bathroom stall for an extended period of time than come out and talk to a specific person. It’s the reason relationships break up, friendships end, and the crux of many, many children being grounded.
So what is it?
You cannot communicate the same way with everyone you interact with. That’s it. To be truly successful, you have to change the way you show up in communication depending on your audience.
The education nobody names
My learning started when I was around five and told my mom to shut up. I got the message real quick that this was not something I could say to her. However, when I told my brother to shut up, it seemed rather effective. Hmmm.
In fourth grade, I said something to my teacher (I honestly don’t remember what), and her response was, “While what you said is technically correct, you cannot talk to me that way.” Huh.
In college, a friend asked me if an outfit made her look bad. (I can see her room and that outfit clear as day in my head right now.) I said yes. She burst into tears, and I was genuinely alarmed. What was happening? It did look bad!
Then, at my first real job, I said something to my new boss exactly the way I would have said it to my bestie, and I watched her face do a thing I can only describe as recalibrating. She was (and is) incredibly patient, so she just smiled it off. But I immediately sensed it: wrong audience. Whoops.
That’s the thing about this particular education. Nobody ever sits you down and says, “You have to communicate differently depending on who’s in front of you.” You just get these little jolts:
- A raised eyebrow.
- A “well, actually.”
- A very long, very quiet pause.
Eventually, if you’re paying attention, you piece together the rules yourself, through a thousand tiny corrections nobody labeled as a lesson.
Same words, wildly different outcomes
Here’s what took me embarrassingly long to actually name: what you say can be completely right and still land completely wrong if you deliver it to the wrong audience in the wrong way.
Take “This isn’t working, we need to change it.”
- Said to your best friend, it’s just Tuesday.
- Said to a new employee, it can feel threatening.
- Said to your boss, well, it had better come with about four sentences of context, real quick.
Same words. Wildly different outcomes, all depending on who’s standing in front of you.
Why this deserves more credit than it gets
This is why I think this “thing” deserves so much more credit than it gets. It’s not a soft skill. It’s not a nice-to-have. It’s the actual difference between the people who get promoted and the people who get passed over for someone “more ready,” even when their ideas were just as good. It’s the difference between a hard conversation that strengthens a relationship and one that quietly ends it.
We treat communication like it’s one skill, when really it’s dozens of tiny skills stacked on top of each other, each one specific to a person, a relationship, and a moment.
Where might your delivery be stuck in the past?
So here’s what I’d invite you to think about: where in your life might your delivery be stuck in the past? Maybe it’s:
- A direct report who has grown, but you’re still explaining things like they’re new.
- Someone you’re still being overly formal with, even though you’ve earned enough trust to just say the thing.
- A friend going through something hard, who doesn’t need your usual directness right now, but something softer.
Chances are, somewhere in there, there’s a “shut up” moment waiting to happen: a place where the audience changed and the delivery didn’t.
I’m still learning this one, honestly. I probably will be for a while. But I’d rather learn it on purpose than wait for the next raised eyebrow to teach me.
Until next time,
Jill and The ThinkDev Team
