On “Not Having Friends at Work…”

There’s a phrase I hear more often than I’d like: “I don’t have friends at work!”

Every time I hear it, I’m a little perplexed. I’m also a little sad for the person saying it, because I’m guessing it comes from a time they got burned by someone at work. Maybe a work friendship went sideways, and then it was awkward to see that person every day. Maybe a manager they trusted let them down. Those experiences are real, and I understand why someone would be more reserved around coworkers going forward.

But I want to make the case for finding friends at work anyway.

Exhibit A: The Best Costume Award

The woman in this picture is my coworker from many years ago at Adventist Health, and yes, she is dressed as me for Halloween. She won best costume, and she earned it.

• She doesn’t wear glasses.
• She never wears flat shoes.
• I’m fairly sure she bought those pants at Goodwill.
• My foot was in a walking boot at the time, so she borrowed a boot too, just to get the look right.

That coworker from 13 years ago is now one of my dearest, closest friends. We travel together, and our kids grew up together. I tell her when weird or funny things happen to me during the day. We haven’t worked together since 2020, but the friendship has only gotten stronger. And yes, imagine, I met her at work.

So when I hear “I don’t have friends at work,” I think about her. If I had lived by that rule, I never would have known her.

Yes, work is still work

I’m not naive about this. Not everyone at work has to be your friend, and there will be plenty of people you’re glad to say goodbye to at the end of the day. Work relationships come with real complications: people get reprimanded, reorganized, promoted past each other, and laid off. Those moments can test a friendship.

But a complicated relationship is still a relationship worth having. The risk that something at work might get awkward someday isn’t a good reason to cut yourself off from every person who happens to share your employer.

Wherever you work, I promise there is a good human somewhere in that building, on that crew, or on that Teams call.

Three ways to find friends at work

Since I like tactical, tangible things we can all do to be better humans, here are three ideas:

• Be curious! Friendships rarely begin with a big moment. They begin when you ask someone how their weekend went, and then remember the answer next week. Small, genuine interest adds up.
• Say yes to the low-stakes invitations. Go to the team lunch. Take the walk to get coffee. Occasionally eat lunch in the break room instead of at your desk. These moments feel small and optional, but they’re where people stop being job titles and start being humans to each other. I know, you’re busy and tired and you have a lot of other stuff to do. Sometimes, though, do it anyway.
• Look for your good human on purpose. Don’t wait for friendship to find you. Notice who makes you laugh, who you trust, and who shows up for others. Then invest a little more in that person.

Somewhere in your organization is someone who might one day borrow a boot to dress up as you for Halloween. You won’t know who until you let people in.

I’d love to hear your stories. Who’s the friend you met at work?

Until next time,
Jill and The ThinkDev Team