The Kindest Thing You’re Not Saying

Why “meets expectations” reviews might be quietly damaging your team, and what to do about it.

I have to warn you, I’m going to be a little “on my soapbox”-ish this month. What I describe below is so common, I would bet money it’s damaging every organization out there.

The scenario

A leader recently described a familiar problem to me:

“I have this really difficult employee. I get repeated complaints about them, and they are really affecting the team. It seems like someone is in my office every other day complaining about this person. They’ve been a problem forever! What should I do?”

So I engaged. I asked how long the person had been there and what their role was. Then I asked:

• What conversations have you had with this person about their behavior?
• Have they had a performance evaluation?
• What do their evaluations say about these complaints?

And here’s the answer I hear more often than you’d think:

“Well, they’ve received meets or exceeds expectations on every evaluation they’ve gotten for the last 10 years.”

This is where I get up on my soapbox. It is not kind to tell someone they’re doing a good job at something when they aren’t.

Let me say it louder for those in the back: you are not being kind when you deprive someone of input that could make them better at their job.

When a conversation gets to this point, I immediately know whose fault this is. It’s not the person exhibiting the unwanted behavior. It’s their leader. Why in the world would this person think they had anything to change?

NOBODY TOLD THEM THERE WAS A PROBLEM!

(Stepping off soapbox now.)

Why this happens

In my experience, there are really two reasons:

• Discomfort. People don’t want to tell someone something they might not want to hear. They don’t know how to have the conversation, or they don’t like how it feels, so they avoid it. There are usually some mental gymnastics involved, with the manager telling themselves, “Well, this person isn’t actually THAT bad. They do this and this and this well, soooo…”
• Nothing is written down. There’s no job description, team norms document, or other organizational record stating the behaviors someone is expected to show. So even if a manager works up the courage to have the conversation, they realize there’s nothing to point to, and nothing to hold this person accountable against.

Both reasons are understandable. But neither one is helping the team member in question, and neither one is helping the organization.

So what do you do about this?

• Reframe the conversation. Stop thinking of it as “telling someone they’re bad at their job.” You’re closing a gap between what you expect and what you’re seeing. That’s it. That’s the whole conversation.
• Write the standard down. You cannot hold someone accountable to a standard that only lives in your head. If “collaborates well with the team” isn’t written anywhere, then as far as your organization’s expectations go, it doesn’t exist.

And no, this doesn’t require a massive HR overhaul (I would never do that to you). Instead:

• Pick three or four behaviors you think matter and introduce the concept of Team Norms to your team.
• Ask them whether they agree these are important, and have the conversation.
• Then, as a team, write them down.

Once those expectations are written down and collectively agreed to, you’re not the bad guy for bringing up a violation. You’re just reinforcing a standard the team set together.

The real cost

Ten years of “meets expectations” isn’t kindness. It’s a leader avoiding discomfort at the expense of someone’s growth, and at the expense of everyone else on the team who’s been absorbing the fallout.

Think about someone on your team right now who’s never heard a hard truth from you. Real kindness is on the other side of that conversation. What’s stopping you from having it?

Until next time,
Jill and The ThinkDev Team